I just received a huge gift from a friend in Poland. We Skype regularly, Maria and I. Today, we began before I had finished my morning coffee – before I'd found my “grounding” in this day. What happened? My emotions were raw and tears consumed me for awhile. I found feelings of failure and inadequacy around my recent work and a huge lack of creativity in my creative projects, music, and workshop planning.
I've been working so hard! Yet it feels as if I am going backward, not forward, with just about everything.
Now, I believe in some things I haven't been practicing and I even know from personal experience that they work! What, you ask? Well…
Perfection is NOT admirable – there is gift in messy
Taking a break, getting a fresh perspective, is VITAL
Failure is not only NOT BAD, but part of the road to success
So, I made a commitment to Maria. Today I will play! Today I will be in the experience of cleaning out the storeroom with my son. Yes, play! I used to love doing this. And, I get to be part of an experience with my adult son. I get to NOT work on the next workshop today. I get to NOT practice yoga but practice presence in my life! Who knows what will happen?
I don't – but I trust that it will be good. So, I leave you now to go play. I'll return later and let you know what happened.
4:37 pm. I'm back! Details (the trivial part): 3 hours in the storeroom, moving stuff, tearing down boxes and packing material, carrying stuff upstairs, loading the van, and delivering to the second hand store. Then? My son agreed for the first time ever to come play volleyball with my Lawrence friends! Can a Mom still be proud – and have fun? Then we went to lunch at the restaurant where he works. Then moved his stuff from a rental back home (for the weekend). And finally, about 8 hours after we began, he is off to the restaurant and I am here with you … and a sore (but not too sore) back.
And the tears are tears of joy and they are right behind my eyes – nope! There is some welling up that is expanding in my throat and a bit of glare on the eyeballs. Gotta love it!!!
I feel gratitude, joy, fresh, connected, lighter, happy, fearless. I didn't miss my computer work, yoga, music. Actually, I had a hard time turning on the laptop to finish this check in that I'd promised. Glad I did, though. I was TEMPTED to WORK on a workshop this evening and my message from this morning indicates that I made a commitment NOT TO! Oh – thank you God for commitments and friends willing to receive them!
Thank you, Maria.
I guess the next step is remaining present and watching myself the next few days.
Will joy and lightness prevail?
What must I remember even as I re-engage in work? (Yes, there is work to be done)
What is the value in play?
What is the value in break from routine?
How about time with family?
What is your being asking of you?